Tuesday, February 07, 2006

February 7th......

So for days now I'm feeling *blah* and trying to figure it out. Yesterday, I stayed home instead of going to the gym, sat on the couch surfing the net, and didn't change out of my pj's till it was time to shower and pick up Ilan at 1:00. Today, I dropped both of the boys off (Ilan isn't even supposed to go today), and I just don't feel like myself. On the verge of tears, I'm trying to analyze it all......does it have to do with our aliyah? Am I lonely? Why do I feel today like something is missing inside???? I'm generally a happy person, a bit sarcastic sometimes, but happy nonetheless. But not today.

It hit me just now as I was talking to my mother-in-law. She was telling me of a friend who lost a child, who became physically ill on the anniversary of that child's death.

~~THAT'S IT! I thought, but didn't look at the calendar till we hung up the phone minutes later. ....

Today is February 7. My father passed away on February 7th, 11 years ago. When I looked at the calendar, I broke into tears. It's the panic feeling of it all coming back to me. It happens to me every year, and I don't get it......I'm never prepared, but I guess that is how it is supposed to be. You're never prepared for death or dealing with death, no matter how much 'warning' you get.

It's so strange to me how in one instant I can just FEEL it all over again. The pain, the loss, the heartache. Life has gone on, and I know that my Daddy is proud of who I am, what I have become, and the life that I lead. I know there is a part of him in each of my children, and I know he watches over them. But I miss him. I miss having a Dad. I miss that I don't know what it would be like to see him holding my boys and taking them to the park or to a ball game. I miss his hugs and his lectures, and the way he was always there.

So Daddy, today is for you. I'm going now to light my yartzheit candle, even though it is not the hebrew yartzheit. For me, the 7th of February is engraved in my heart, as are my Daddy's memories.....forever.

I can just hear him now, "SusieQ, I love YOU!"

.......I love you too, Daddy!......