Friday, January 20, 2006

The Disconnect...

Went out last night with a group of gals from my Hadassah chapter. Now, I know what you're thinking....Hadassah!?!? Is Emah like, 80??? NO, I am a founder and an active member of a YOUNG women's hadassah chapter in my area. It has been an avenue for me to stay connected to my zionist upbringing, connected to Israel, and to have that feeling of mattering beyond the diapers and playdates.

So back to last night.....I sat at a resturaunt with 7 other women, youngest was 28, oldest I think 45ish. And me, fyi, I'm not 80, I'm 34. So, there I was, with these other gals.....people with whom I have had various connections over the years. One was my college roomate, one was a workout buddy, a few I had met in the recent years, one I met that night, etc. For the most part, I KNEW these women. Yet, I felt SO COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED.....

The talk varied from kids and schools, pregnancy to work to shopping and diamonds and a daughter named Tiffany. It made me feel so tired, so DISinterested and just so BLAH.

I think it's all part of the beginnings of saying goodbye....not that all of this kind of talk at one point in my life excited me. Because honestly, I have never been one into the big car, big house, jewelry and materialistic things. It's just not me. So I know that's a given, I often feel out of it when amongst a certain type of 'girl talk.'

But last night, it was a bit different. I kept thinking in my mind about this incredible life changing experience that hubby and I planning. I kept thinking about how my life is going to be so different and that one day I will miss this kind of thing, but I am so ok with that.

I think it's all part of moving on to another stage in life. THE DISCONNECT..... I read recently about the stages that an older person goes through when they think/know the end is near. (sorry, I'm not one of those who can link to all outside thoughts). Anyway, one of the stages is the disconnect....pushing people away so that when you're gone, or when it's over, that it won't be such a difficult goodbye. I think maybe this is somewhat how I'm feeling...... like halfway out the door.

It's bizarre though, cuz in essence, if I let this become my pattern of relating, then I'm neither here nor there.... need to work on this next time I'm in a social situation. Need to work on still caring about what happens here.

Just a thought....